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Emotional Intelligence at its Best!
Part II
There are an amazing number of resources on emotional intelligence. Countless books, newsletters, Internet sites, and organizations all offer information to help us learn about and use our emotions, and those of others, to become more effective and powerful. This is not a means of manipulation - quite the contrary. Instead of learning about emotional intelligence to be able to have control over others, the foundation of EQ is control over oneself.
Experts agree, the first step in expanding emotional intelligence is through our own self-discovery and self-awareness. It is through our own examination of our personal emotional triggers, our response to emotionally charged situations, and our ability to recognize when we are at risk of becoming emotionally derailed that our future success is based. Emotional Intelligence, like most learned behaviour, is based on specific and logical competencies – a mixture of skills, abilities, and sufficient follow-through.
But why would someone want to become emotionally intelligent? What is the compelling reason that drives someone to take a deep look at their lives, and decide to work hard to develop competencies that do not seem to be valued in our society? When I say “hard work”, I mean exactly that. Becoming emotionally intelligent is not always easy. Often, it goes against the grain of what learned, the behaviours our society models and values, and forces us to “take the high road”, instead of the easy road in life.
The only reason I can give is that through emotional intelligence, we experience better and more fulfilling lives. We are able to be in relationship with ourselves, our families, our peers and our colleagues and co-workers. From my own personal experience, as I develop my emotional intelligence competencies, I find I am more effective, more confident, and generally happier with my life. That is what keeps me focused on my self-development and committed to make changes in my life. It is not always easy. In fact, I find it sometimes exhausting, and long to be able to resort to my old trigger behaviours – the ones that are easy, but not necessarily the most effective.
It takes courage to look deep inside, and the vast majority of people are just not up to the challenge. They are afraid of what they may find, and this fear keeps them prisoners in their own perception of the world. Their fear of what they may find deep inside keeps them frozen in a state of suspended animation, walking through their lives with only a sliver of true understanding – they know what they know, and that is all. But what if these people made the effort to change? What if they suddenly woke up one morning, and decided to look at their world differently – to let go of what they know, so they can learn what they don’t?
What sort of information do we need in our quest for self-awareness? First off, it might be a good idea to seek input into how others see us. This is not an easy task, as it opens us up to criticism, fault finding, and sometimes plain old nastiness. However, if we can find the courage (what my husband calls “intestinal fortitude”) to actively ask probing questions, and control our urge to make excuses, justify, or blame others for our circumstances, we may actually learn something about ourselves and how we are perceived in the world. We may discover some of the hidden resources we have available to us. We may actually discover that we are highly intuitive, creative, sensitive, and brilliant. We may actually discover there is a whole world outside of ourselves, one where opportunity abounds with limitless possibilities.
Through active research into the “Me” we know, and the “You” as seen through the eyes of others, we begin to piece together a more full and accurate picture of who we are. We see patterns that help us explain why we react one way in a specific situation, and a totally different way in another. Why we become irate when we scratch our car, while we seem to be able to “handle it” when our child scratches their knee.
We may not like the picture that is painted about how we are walking through our lives. We may cringe with shame, regret, guilt, or anger. As we build our image of who we are, what triggers emotional reactions, and what the effects of those reactions are on ourselves and others, we develop a clear vision for how we want our lives to be lived. We discover deep rooted values, and can highlight what may happen if our values are stepped on, stepped over or otherwise ignored. We begin to develop a sense of ourselves, and can make powerful choices about changes we would like to make. We can also create a plan to develop the competencies we lack, so we can live fuller, more satisfying lives.
This is worth the effort, for in the end, living the best life we can is all we have. At the end of our lives, it will not matter how many material possessions we accumulated or how many “big deals” we put together. What will matter is how we lived our lives. Did we live with vision, integrity, and courage of conviction? Did we take the high road when we had the chance?
I challenge you to take a look at yourself – a good, honest, courageous look deep within. What values exist at your core? Ask yourself simply, is this all there is to life? Challenge deep rooted and accepted beliefs about material gain and personal power. Dare to ask what others see in you, and then decide, is this what you want them to see. I challenge you to look beyond what you know, so you can learn all there is. Enjoy the journey.
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